What Does Mental Illness Feel Like?
Why? I have no idea. That's what mental illness feels like.
Despite writing gratitude lists twice a day and knowing how fortunate I am to live this life.
Despite meditating daily and going to yoga and doing Reiki.
Despite being on proper medication and going to therapy weekly.
Despite countless CBT and DBT psychoeducation sessions at the hospital.
Despite eating well and moving my body.
Despite uplifting podcasts and self-help books.
Despite countless daily affirmations.
Despite dousing myself in essential oils.
Despite surrounding myself with people who uplift me.
Some days feel impossible. That's what mental illness feels like.
Like no one cares, even when they tell you 1000 times they do.
Like you're always making the wrong choice.
Like not knowing how to make a decision for yourself.
Like you're never doing as much as you could to get better or doing it wrong.
Like feeling like you're going backward in the progress you've made daily.
Like not being able to sit still for fear you are not doing enough.
Like not being able to focus on anything for very long.
Like struggling to be alone because your own company terrifies you.
Like needing constant reassurance that you're good enough.
Like needing validation that you're a decent human being who is doing your best.
Like crying at the drop of a hat over the slightest reminder of your past.
Like feeling anxious over the most insignificant things.
Like feeling peace in your body one minute and overwhelm the next.
Like not being able to sleep without medication because your brain won't shut off.
Like having your thoughts consume you and then spiraling out of control.
Like hurting people you love because you just want them to understand how you feel.
Like pushing people away because you can't trust anyone.
Like putting on a happy face every day but feeling like you're dying on the inside.
Like thinking you're the only person in the world who feels this way.
Like thinking you're never going to feel better and this is always how it's going to feel.
Mental illness fucking sucks. Period. And those who don't struggle just. don't. understand. How can they? That's like expecting someone who does not have diabetes to understand what it's like to have diabetes. If there's anything I've learned in the past six months, though, it's that you can only depend on you, and it is up to you and no one else to make you feel better. So don't expect anyone else to understand because I promise you will be disappointed if you do. You determine whether your mental illness consumes your life, and I, for one, refuse to be consumed by mine.
Some of the most effective strategies I have discovered:
- Cry it out. Let those tears flow, girl. They are so cleansing for your body.
- Recognize that thoughts are just thoughts and nothing more. It's up to you whether or not you attach to them and whether you let them consume you. Chances are, your thoughts are just a story you're telling yourself and are not rooted in reality.
- Have a list of things to do in those moments when you feel yourself starting to spiral. Get out of your own head as quickly as possible.
- Ask for help. Whether it's from a therapist or your mom. Talk about it with someone you trust. I promise it'll help.
- When you feel triggered, take a breath and wait it out before responding. Don't react when your emotions are high, you'll just feel guilty later.
- Tell yourself today is not forever and this, too, shall pass. You have been through more difficult things than this and have survived.
- Learn your triggers and prep yourself for them in healthy ways. For me, evenings and weekends are hard, so I try to keep busy during those times to avoid being triggered.
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